Total Mommy Fail

I'm aware this could be a SIDS awareness issue.

Don't worry I'm totally aware of everything that's wrong with this picture. How babies should not sleep with blankets, with another child, on their side, with any stuffed toys etc. In my sad defense, I was sleeping in between them just the moment before I snapped this photo showing my exhausting and desperation on a quiet Sunday afternoon.  Mike was out of town for the third weekend in a row. The return to work has been harrowing for me and Quinn. And I could not keep Derek entertained any longer.

"We're all taking a nap," I said.

That's just what we did. Yes, all 3 of us sideways on Derek's twin mattress which is on the floor, since though he is 4 years old, I cannot get it together to get him a bedroom set. Yes, organize a trip to Europe and hold monthly La Leche League meetings, I can do. But inextricably unable to find my preschooler bedroom furniture since its really an issue of priorities over competence. If you saw me crammed onto the bed with them, it would be beyond ridiculous. My legs dangling off sideways and these kids somehow balanced on and this mess of blankets, toys and kiddos.

So here we are. All cuddled together asleep. It was probably the best nap and rest I've had since going back to work.

I've been living in the land of should-haves and its a dangerous place to be. We rushed from Europe back to work in the same work. Poor planning its true, but it was the only thing I could given the limited availability of award tickets and the desire to maximization of maternity leave. I believe this is what the Buddha is talking about when he speaks of grasping. Desire causes suffering. How he is so right, even in trivial matters such as me trying to over-do it as the nutty, Type-Aer. I am tired. Its my own fault. Even the luxury of 1-2 days of telework per week are not saving me from the impending roll of real life.

I should try to finish my Europe blogs, but I can't since I keep having all sorts of issues with Blogger/Picasa/whatever that in my 10 minutes of being awake each night the memories of our fun-filled summer adventure are taken over by the to-do list for tomorrow.

I should be sleeping. Except I can't. Quinn is actually only up a few times a night to feed since I've been back to work, but the insomnia that grips me after while I should be enjoying the moments that I'm cuddling her. I'm worried. Worried about little things, like why my transfer at work is taking so long, if I even got any time with Derek or if I put away dinner since I rushed in to nurse at 7pm and fell promptly asleep after. Then I get worried about current events, the disasters in the news that I am less and less contributing too. The other day I was so upset about the Ebola disaster when I saw a woman holding her young son, helpless without healthcare and knowing if she would live to care for him and if he would survive. I felt helpless. All I could do was log on to Partners for Health and Doctors without Borders and donate... seemed to be so distant. Such a little thing that I felt that it might not do anything at all.

And I know better than to dwell too much. Its just the exhaustion and the sleep deprivation that are starting to rule me more than logic.

I know it will get easier. I know the baby stage is so short that the more I'm trying to grasp on to it, Quinn is growing bigger and faster than I can possibly hug her for. I know she'll wean one day, just like Derek did and be off exploring the world with barely a glance back. So I'm enjoying it. Though it does feel chaotic and hardly anything like the way I "thought" it would.

Petzi's World

Tivoli Gardens has this amazing soft playground for younger kids that is free! Petzi is a beloved Danish cartoon character. We did occasionally see Petzi's images around the airport and in some advertisements. He is a popular mouse (?) There is also a nice nursing/changing room nearby as well as kid friendly toilets (e.g. smaller, lower ones for the preschool set).  We zoomed through here. Though it was hot in the afternoon, we returned at night.

Dek got really familiar so in the evening when we were leaving, he bolted down an exit on the opposite side (about 100 feet away) without us realizing. I was scouring the playground looking for our little man before I realized he may have tried to leave.

I ran to the opposite exit looking for him. He was a huge pile of tears and franticness. He had found another nice Danish lady that was going to help him look for mommy. Though we were fear stricken for a minute, luckily we were in a pretty safe environment (Amusement park that requires paid admission - so less grifters one would think) in one of the safest cities in the world (where people park their prams outside while having dinner or going shopping). Eventually we found him and then we had a long talk about sticking together. Every time we'd get off the train he's say something like, "Mommy, don't forget me!" He's been much more careful about sticking with mom and dad - though the excitement of a new place will send him racing ahead of us still.  But, just the other day, back home, he kept me from crossing into the street since I wasn't looking closely enough. Funny how you they become the one that keeps you in check.

Happy Mid-Autumn Moon (Tet Trung Thu)!

 

 

 

Derek, 3, with Cousins Elliot, 4, Phillip, 18 months

We missed most of the fun and games of Tet Trung Thu. The community hosts the children's event. Derek didn't wear his ao dai like last year but we're still glad he had a good time with family.

Nap-on-the-Go

Hugging and napping at the same time. We gals know how to be efficient.