Thursday, September 25, 2014

Total Mommy Fail

I'm aware this could be a SIDS awareness issue.

Don't worry I'm totally aware of everything that's wrong with this picture. How babies should not sleep with blankets, with another child, on their side, with any stuffed toys etc. In my sad defense, I was sleeping in between them just the moment before I snapped this photo showing my exhausting and desperation on a quiet Sunday afternoon.  Mike was out of town for the third weekend in a row. The return to work has been harrowing for me and Quinn. And I could not keep Derek entertained any longer.

"We're all taking a nap," I said.

That's just what we did. Yes, all 3 of us sideways on Derek's twin mattress which is on the floor, since though he is 4 years old, I cannot get it together to get him a bedroom set. Yes, organize a trip to Europe and hold monthly La Leche League meetings, I can do. But inextricably unable to find my preschooler bedroom furniture since its really an issue of priorities over competence. If you saw me crammed onto the bed with them, it would be beyond ridiculous. My legs dangling off sideways and these kids somehow balanced on and this mess of blankets, toys and kiddos.

So here we are. All cuddled together asleep. It was probably the best nap and rest I've had since going back to work.

I've been living in the land of should-haves and its a dangerous place to be. We rushed from Europe back to work in the same work. Poor planning its true, but it was the only thing I could given the limited availability of award tickets and the desire to maximization of maternity leave. I believe this is what the Buddha is talking about when he speaks of grasping. Desire causes suffering. How he is so right, even in trivial matters such as me trying to over-do it as the nutty, Type-Aer. I am tired. Its my own fault. Even the luxury of 1-2 days of telework per week are not saving me from the impending roll of real life.

I should try to finish my Europe blogs, but I can't since I keep having all sorts of issues with Blogger/Picasa/whatever that in my 10 minutes of being awake each night the memories of our fun-filled summer adventure are taken over by the to-do list for tomorrow.

I should be sleeping. Except I can't. Quinn is actually only up a few times a night to feed since I've been back to work, but the insomnia that grips me after while I should be enjoying the moments that I'm cuddling her. I'm worried. Worried about little things, like why my transfer at work is taking so long, if I even got any time with Derek or if I put away dinner since I rushed in to nurse at 7pm and fell promptly asleep after. Then I get worried about current events, the disasters in the news that I am less and less contributing too. The other day I was so upset about the Ebola disaster when I saw a woman holding her young son, helpless without healthcare and knowing if she would live to care for him and if he would survive. I felt helpless. All I could do was log on to Partners for Health and Doctors without Borders and donate... seemed to be so distant. Such a little thing that I felt that it might not do anything at all.

And I know better than to dwell too much. Its just the exhaustion and the sleep deprivation that are starting to rule me more than logic.

I know it will get easier. I know the baby stage is so short that the more I'm trying to grasp on to it, Quinn is growing bigger and faster than I can possibly hug her for. I know she'll wean one day, just like Derek did and be off exploring the world with barely a glance back. So I'm enjoying it. Though it does feel chaotic and hardly anything like the way I "thought" it would.

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